Star Trek Sim Fun:
Spam! It's Not Just for Supper!
The USS Eagle's Mail Call- A humorous take on mail we receive
I've decided that it is time to fight spam back
with humor----The following are excerpts from the spam and my replies from
my character to them. Please note these are IC replies from the character. "His" reply is in blue.
CATEGORY: PLASTIC SURGEON
In a message dated 11/07/2004 10:54:48 PM Eastern Standard Time, firstname.lastname@example.org
Subj: Re: Coaching Program
Confidential Application for the
Personal “Cosmetic Surgery” Coach Mastermind Club
For Office Use Only
Authorized Y /N
Part 1: Tell Us Where You Are Now
Three days journey from Liarra Mishtosh, in the wardroom
of the USS Eagle an Oberth Class ship in 2293.
Check all of the following that apply: (Be honest – remember, we’re not
concerned with what you've done in the past, but rather want to get an honest
feel for where you are today so we can tailor the program to fit your needs)
? I regularly use one of your marketing systems or strategies
No, never heard of you and you are not listed in the
Starfleet, United Federation of Planet's databases. We even contacted friendly
but non aligned alien species. They had no record of you either. We also
broke into the Klingon and Romulans data bases and couldn't find you. Perhaps
you need to examine the set up of your marketing strategies to get included
in these databases?
? I have a least one reliable marketing strategy that consistently generates
new patients for me
Well we've had some new very green Ensigns but I don't
know I would call the patients. More like problem children.
? I have written financial and business goals
Does outlining a plan to keep the Binrahoe from taking
over the galaxy count?
? I have written goals for other areas of my life
Yes, I have this time line I must preserve or the temporal
agents get very cranky. The future me is the
worst though. He gets very very cross when I do something (intentional or
not ;o) ) to mess up the time line.
? I regularly take long weekends, vacations, or other time off to “rejuvenate”
Does the time I was on Galadon Twelve bonded in the
Ankhanahkstoi to the Empress of Galadon and kept a prisoner until she
was cured count? That was a few months. Or the time I got whacked on the
head and captured by Romulans and almost shipped off to Romulus count? It
was some weekend to remember but I forgot a lot since I got hit on the head.
What was the question again?
Part II: Tell us About Your Business
Rate the following on a scale from 1-5, according to how much of a challenge
they are for you:
(1= a big problem for you, 2=Medium problem, 3=Somewhat of a problem, 4=Rarely,
5=Not a problem for you)
___Generating New Patients
Hmmm.. I'll let my CMO handle that one. She's kind
of busy right now and about to be taken over by aliens or evil spirits so
it might take some time for her to reply.
___Increasing Patient Retention
Hmmm. Why would we want to do that? We want our crew
back to work as soon as possible.
Not an issue. It's the 24th century and I am a fictional
cartoon character, so I don't eat much. Hence, I don't each much or worry
about the old fashioned 21st Century idea of "money".
___ structuring your business so it runs smoothly and you don’t have to
get bogged down in busy work
I'd like to do that but don't know how. I keep getting
stuck in the temporal wars. I hate temporal paperwork. It always has to be
___ Leading a Balanced life and taking off as much time as you like.
Sorry, I can't do that.
My writer won't let me. It seems that the readers and other players of the
game I live in, would find a happy balanced life very boring. They seem to
enjoy reading more about facing mortal danger and moral dilemmas that attack
the very core of my fictional soul and those of my crew.
Number of hours you work weekly? ____
90 depending on the days associated for week on some
planets. If I get stuck in a causality loop, temporal rift, I could work
Weeks of vacation you’ll take this year?______
Dunno, depends on if I get stuck in some bizarre alien
ritual again or get stuck in a causality loop but the loops always seem to
happen during working hours for some reason... :O(
Number of hours you’d LIKE to work weekly?
Depends on where I am working. If it's anywhere near
Admiral Flayton then one would be more than plenty. If it's off on
some fun mission than as long as I get a power nap of four hours every day
or so I'll be fine.
Weeks off you’d LIKE to have each year? ______
Well if I can get time off without being whacked on
the head or locked in a deadly mutating ritual, I wouldn't mind three or
four weeks off. If that's how I have to spend my vacation then let's just
say I'd rather pass and work the whole year straight.
Answer the following questions using one of the following 1=often, 2= Sometimes
3= rarely or 4= Never
I feel guilty taking time off____
Yes. In fact while I was a prisoner/guest on G12,
I took that time to learn two more languages, study their architecture, work
out a peace plan with their rival factions, locate several traitors, foil
a dastardly plot to assassinate the Empress, snuck in and stole their crypto
codes and some secret tech, fixed the palace flitters, taught their chef
the manly art of grilling and washed the palace windows four times.
I’m very confident in my ability to train and hire new staff_____
Yes, that one is easy "Hey XO! Train the new ones!
Mr Unstoffe give him a hand." See? Easy peasy.
If my school’s class reunion was next month, I’d feel excited about going
No... No.. I can't go I am about to be taken over
by evil spirits or some kind of alien. I just don't think that says "envy
me and my success" to my peers.
I feel guilty about not giving time to my spouse, children or other relationships
in my life _________
No. Never. I've learned to grab each moment and hold
on tight. I risked my life, soul and the time line to go back to the past
and try and save my wife from the accident. I considered giving up Starfleet
to marry the Empress. When I was younger I did not have the courage to ask
T'Nar to marry me and tell her that I loved her. I always regretted the lost
time with her and vowed to never let that happen again.
I've fulfilled my dream of becoming a Starfleet Captain
and saving the Galaxy several times. If you count the future versions of
me, I've gotten more promotions and saved more than one galaxy and alternate
universe. Now, it's time for me to settle down, get married and have kids.
Do you know any strong willed pointy eared telepathic alien females with
long black shiny hair? I've noticed a pattern in the two women I have fallen
in love with. T'Nar and the Empress of All Galadon had a lot in common.
Briefly describe why you feel you’re a good candidate FOR THIS PROGRAM (Use
additional sheet if necessary.)
Well I am not. I don't want to be a plastic surgeon. I don't want to make
a lot of money making Barbie dolls, that's Mattel's job. I am much more of
an Art Asylum boy myself (They make great toy phasers!) BZZZTT! BZZZTT!
Hey XO! Come out and play...BZZZTT! BZZZTT!
Click links below to view other satires, spoofs and humorous items:
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