Star Trek Sim Fun:

Spam! It's Not Just for Supper!
The USS Eagle's Mail Call- A humorous take on mail we receive

I've decided that it is time to fight  spam back with humor----The following are excerpts from the spam and my replies from my character to them. Please note these are IC replies from the character. "His" reply is in blue.


In a message dated 11/07/2004 10:54:48 PM Eastern Standard Time, writes:
Subj: Re: Coaching Program

Confidential Application for the
Personal “Cosmetic Surgery” Coach Mastermind Club
For Office Use Only
Authorized Y /N

Part 1: Tell Us Where You Are Now

Three days journey from Liarra Mishtosh, in the wardroom of the USS Eagle an Oberth Class ship in 2293.

Check all of the following that apply: (Be honest – remember, we’re not concerned with what you've done in the past, but rather want to get an honest feel for where you are today so we can tailor the program to fit your needs)

?  I regularly use one of your marketing systems or strategies

No, never heard of you and you are not listed in the Starfleet, United Federation of Planet's databases. We even contacted friendly but non aligned alien species. They had no record of you either. We also broke into the Klingon and Romulans data bases and couldn't find you.  Perhaps you need to examine the set up of your marketing strategies to get included in these databases?

? I have a least one reliable marketing strategy that consistently generates new patients for me

Well we've had some new very green Ensigns but I don't know I would call the patients. More like problem children.

? I have written financial and business goals

Does outlining a plan to keep the Binrahoe from taking over the galaxy count?

? I have written goals for other areas of my life

Yes, I have this time line I must preserve or the temporal agents get very cranky. The future me is the worst though. He gets very very cross when I do something (intentional or not ;o) ) to mess up the time line.

? I regularly take long weekends, vacations, or other time off to “rejuvenate” myself

Does the time I was on Galadon Twelve bonded in the Ankhanahkstoi to the Empress of Galadon  and kept a prisoner until she was cured count? That was a few months. Or the time I got whacked on the head and captured by Romulans and almost shipped off to Romulus count? It was some weekend to remember but I forgot a lot since I got hit on the head.

What was the question again?

Part II: Tell us About Your Business
Rate the following on a scale from 1-5, according to how much of a challenge they are for you:
(1= a big problem for you, 2=Medium problem, 3=Somewhat of a problem, 4=Rarely, 5=Not a problem for you)

___Generating New Patients       
Hmmm.. I'll let my CMO handle that one. She's kind of busy right now and about to be taken over by aliens or evil spirits so it might take some time for her to reply.            

 ___Increasing Patient Retention    

Hmmm. Why would we want to do that? We want our crew back to work as soon as possible.

 ____Raising prices

Not an issue. It's the 24th century and I am a fictional cartoon character, so I don't eat much. Hence, I don't each much or worry about  the old fashioned 21st Century idea of "money".

___ structuring your business so it runs smoothly and you don’t have to get bogged down in busy work

I'd like to do that but don't know how. I keep getting stuck in the temporal wars. I hate temporal paperwork. It always has to be duplicated...

___ Leading a Balanced life and taking off as much time as you like.

Sorry, I can't do that. My writer won't let me. It seems that the readers and other players of the game I live in, would find a happy balanced life very boring. They seem to enjoy reading more about facing mortal danger and moral dilemmas that attack the very core of my fictional soul and those of my crew.

Number of hours you work weekly? ____   

90 depending on the days associated for week on some planets. If I get stuck in a causality loop, temporal rift, I could work indefinitely...                              

Weeks of vacation you’ll take this year?______

Dunno, depends on if I get stuck in some bizarre alien ritual again or get stuck in a causality loop but the loops always seem to happen during working hours for some reason... :O(

Number of hours you’d LIKE to work weekly?  

Depends on where I am working. If it's anywhere near Admiral  Flayton then one would be more than plenty. If it's off on some fun mission than as long as I get a power nap of four hours every day or so I'll be fine.                       

Weeks off you’d LIKE to have each year? ______

Well if I can get time off without being whacked on the head or locked in a deadly mutating ritual, I wouldn't mind three or four weeks off. If that's how I have to spend my vacation then let's just say I'd rather pass and work the whole year straight.

Answer the following questions using one of the following 1=often, 2= Sometimes 3= rarely or 4= Never

I feel guilty taking time off____

Yes. In fact while I was a prisoner/guest on G12, I took that time to learn two more languages, study their architecture, work out a peace plan with their rival factions, locate several traitors, foil a dastardly plot to assassinate the Empress, snuck in and stole their crypto codes and some secret tech, fixed the palace flitters, taught their chef the manly art of grilling and washed  the palace windows four times.

I’m very confident in my ability to train and hire new staff_____

Yes, that one is easy "Hey XO! Train the new ones! Mr Unstoffe give him a hand."  See? Easy peasy.

If my school’s class reunion was next month, I’d feel excited about going  ______Yes _________

No... No.. I can't go I am about to be taken over by evil spirits or some kind of alien. I just don't think that says "envy me and my success" to my peers.

I feel guilty about not giving time to my spouse, children or other relationships in my life  _________

No. Never. I've learned to grab each moment and hold on tight. I risked my life, soul and the time line to go back to the past and try and save my wife from the accident.  I considered giving up Starfleet to marry the Empress. When I was younger I did not have the courage to ask T'Nar to marry me and tell her that I loved her. I always regretted the lost time with her and vowed to never let that happen again.

I've fulfilled my dream of becoming a Starfleet Captain and saving the Galaxy several times. If you count the future versions of me, I've gotten more promotions and saved more than one galaxy and alternate universe. Now, it's time for me to settle down, get married and have kids.

Do you know any strong willed pointy eared telepathic alien females with long black shiny hair? I've noticed a pattern in the two women I have fallen in love with. T'Nar and the Empress of All Galadon had a lot in common.

Briefly describe why you feel you’re a good candidate FOR THIS PROGRAM (Use additional sheet if necessary.)

Well I am not. I don't want to be a plastic surgeon. I don't want to make a lot of money making Barbie dolls, that's Mattel's job. I am much more of an Art Asylum boy myself (They make great toy phasers!) BZZZTT! BZZZTT!

Hey XO! Come out and play...BZZZTT! BZZZTT

Click links below to view other satires, spoofs and humorous items:
My character replies to some spammer who thinks my Star Trek cartoon character is a RL plastic surgeon-Check it out!
First page of spam answered by my character! Corrupt business deals, phoney inheritance scams and loans
VIP Spam from a group that helps the President of the United States!
MTV contacts us!
Dieting: Can a cartoon character ever be too thin?
Humorous Top Ten lists on a Star Trek theme
Top Ten Things..NOT to say to your Klingon wife - NEW!
101 Uses for a Live (or Dead) Tribble - NEW!

Political Commentaries:
Ann Coulter and Her Posioned Creme Brulle (Creme Brule): Dessert, as a means of assasination, hypocrisy and plagarism (plagiarism)

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