Star Trek Sim Fun:

Spam! It's Not Just for Supper! It's for Fun!
The USS Eagle's Mail Call- A humorous take on mail we receive

This is a new page where we will answer mail from our "viewers". This will be processed by one of the crew members, a wayward scutter type bot or the ship's automated reply system. Feel free to ask a question about our Star Trek sim, Star Trek web page or Star Trek itself. Please send email for questions on our Star Trek sim or Star Trek, especially the Original Series, to the address below.

We also "answer" some spam mails that get submitted to us. is the email name I use for simming my character, the handsome all around good guy Captain Kematsopoulos. Over the years the email name for this character has gotten on some specialized (and some not so specialized) spam lists. On one list he is  RL doctor. On another he owns a casino. Many lists of course are  spam-scams, including some of the sort that you all receive like those that want him to be the pretend heir to a large fortune. Their real purpose of course is to trick you into giving personal information so that they can take your money instead.

I've decided that it is time to fight  spam back with humor----The following are excerpts from the spam and my replies from my character to them. Please note these are IC replies from the character.


In a message dated 06/08/2004 1:58:10 AM Eastern Daylight Time, nwa@XXXXXXXX.XXX.XX writes:
Dear , Let me start by introducing myself properly to you. I am Mr.XXXX NXXXXM XXXXXXX, a consulting auditor,XXXXBank XXX, Johannesburg-South Africa.I have decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction. THE PROPOSITION: A Foreigner, a German, Late Mr.Andreas Schranner, a majority stake holder in Habitat Real Estate Coy South Africa,until his death months ago in 25th July,2000 CONCORDE plane clash ....banked with NedBank Plc Johannesburg- South Africa,and had a closing balance as at the end of November, 2000 worth 25,400.000.00 (this is aside the accrued interest so far from that date). During the course of my auditing work with my client bank late last year, I discovered an account opened in the bank in 1998 by this great late Estate Magnate who died without a written or oral 'WILL' attached to the account with respect to his investment in Habitat Real Estate Company South Africa. It is because of the perceived possibility of not being able to locate any of Late Mr. Andreas Schranner next of kin (His entire family perished in that fatal crash) known to the bank, according to the immigration data available to the bank,that the Management, under the influence of our Chairman and Members of the Board of Directors,started arrangement for the fund to be decleared "Unclaimed" and subsequentlly be donated as trust fund for arms/ ammunition to further enhance the course of War in Africa for their selfish political interest/investment. In order to avert this negative development, I have secretly discussed this matter with a close confidant attorney whom I must involve in order to assist us produce legal back-up documents which would substantiate claims/position of next of kin and also enable us have a smooth and successful transfer of the fund to any foreign bank account which you are going to nominate(can be an account with a zero blance but not dormant). I got your contact through my personal search to see if you can assist by providing your safe bank account for the transfer or find a reliable person who will be capable of receiving such amount in his or her personal account and stand in as distant next of kin to the deceased. All validating and authenticating documents to enable you get this fund will be carefully worked out. We have secured from the probate registry, an order of Mandamus to locate any of the deceased beneficiaries, and more so we are assuring you that this business is 100% Risk Free. The sharing ratio after completion of transfer will be thus: 50% for me, 25% for you, 20% to be donated to any charity group in Germany(the deceased country) and 5% to cover any expenses that may be incurred in the course of completing the transfer.
Kindly indicate your interest to enable us, with your assistance,move the fund to the banks offshore clearing houses in London or Holland without any transfer fee payable by you. Please note that for the purposes of confidentiality, all further correspondence should be through my alternative email address:nwa@XXXXXXX>XXX Accept my warm regards as I await your response.

My character's reply:
Dear Nr. Mandela,
Good news! I am the next of kin. I was so worried about the money!! Thank you for finding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How do I collect the money? Where would you like me to go for the blood test?
Nafaro Marsato


Another dumb spam mail becomes fodder for my caustic wit and fair game to be posted on the web page....

In a message dated 06/30/2004 12:16:24 PM Eastern Daylight Time, writes:
Subj:Welcome aboard!

Hello, my name is XXXXX M. We wanted to let you know that
we have received and reviewed your mrtgage applicaton. We are
happy to let you know it has been approved at a 40-year low rate. But first,
we need some more information.
We ask that you please, take a moment to fill out the final details we need.
(link given but removed)

Congratulations - massive monthly savngs are just a moment away!

XXXXX. Lenders Network

My character's reply:
Dear Mr.  XXXXX M,

That is great news. Before I continue I need you to explain the 40 year loan. Since you live in 2004 and I live in 2293 which years do we use to start the loan? If it is 40 years from the time period in which you live then the loan will be due before I ever get the money. If it is due in 2333, then how will you collect?

Also I am a time traveler on secret missions. I cannot check in with you each time I shift time because that will compromise security and jeopardize the missions I am obliged to perform. Will this be a problem?

Also, I don't own a house well not yet anyway in 2293. If this is for the property in Vulcan that I will inherit in 2297 then I have to check with Vulcan authorities about the legalities. I will need to do the same if it is for the Bed and Breakfast on Risa that I will own in a poker game in 2321. The properties that I will acquire post 2324 are not available for mortgage as I have special plans for them.

Could you please check into the different planetary laws for me and make sure they are for the right time periods? I must dash now on another secret mission and don't have the time. Thanks.

Captain Kematsopoulos of the Federation Starship USS Eagle, NCC 2185


I get the wierdest emails so it's time I replied..IC
In a message dated 06/06/2004 2:00:45 PM Eastern Daylight Time,  RXXX KXXXX writes:

Dear Sir,
This mail may come to you as a suprise but it is intended to reach you and bring good tidings to your business and family.Before going futher to introduce my purpose of contacting you........

This business involves US$30,000,000,00.which i want to introduce to you and it emanated from over-invioced contract executed on behalf of my ministry by foreign contractors.The original contract awarded by me was US$115,000,000,00 which i over-invoiced to the tune of US$30,000,000,00 for my future retirement and the actual contract value has since been paid to the foreign contractors leaving me with the extra US$30,000,000,00.for my retirement plan.



My character's reply:

Dear Dr. K:

I am a carton character, the archetype of goodness, strength, courage and honesty. As such I can do nothing but report you to the proper authorities. I will be contacting Dick Tracy and Commissioner Gordon.

I recommend you turn yourself in to the closest US Embassy for your fiscal crimes against the United States.

If not I will swing by in my shuttle with my Chief of Security, Race Bannon, to personally bring you to justice.

Have a nice day,
Captain Kematsopoulos

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